25
by the7bells
Summary: Yes, I am not giving up. And I've come back. Read before you judge it, and if you don't like it, have fun telling me so. But from previous reviews BEFORE it was taken down, there weren't too many of them. Stuff not to do in the world of Harry Potter. Ra
1. Voldemort

Disclaimer: YOU ACTUALLY THINK I OWN HARRY POTTER?

A/N R&R, and I might repost the other chapters that those jerk—loverly people at took down crosses eyes at them according to your own rules, I wasn't breaking them. This has plot. If you read it, you'd know that.

" My lord, this arrived by owl today." Lucius knocked on his "lords" door

"Oh Yea! Mail! I never get any mail!" Voldemort, like many children/teenagers I know, instead of acting like the reputed intelligent man he was, reverted to a childlike state when gleeful or sad.

The envelope read: To the biggest loser…I mean, Most Fearful Lord of the world.

"Who sent this Lucius?"

"No one knows My Lord."

"You open it first, so that if it has any curses in it/I/ shall be unharmed. Alright, it's fine."

So he started to read. 

Twenty-five things you shouldn't do if Voldemort asks you to marry him

25. Spit in his face. Not good. Remember, he has a wand-you probably don't.

24. Go into hysterics at the thought of getting to marry a super-villain. He might get the wrong idea.

23. Tell him to go to hell. Remember, he and the Devil are probably on first name terms.

22. Tell him you are dating Harry Potter. This is especially important, seeing as he might go destroy him simply for the purpose of making you single.

21. Tell him that you have any boyfriend, be him Muggle or wizard. Same reasoning as above.

20. Hex him with your own wand. This could prove fatal.

19. Use an unforgivable curse. Unless you have your own army of "Life-Savers," (opposites of Death-eaters) you have no one to back you up. Voldie does.

18. Vomit all over his shoes at the thought of having to kiss him…and other things.

17. Telling him why you vomited all over his shoes.

16. Run away…you can run, but you can't hide. And besides. This will just make him mad.

15. Laugh in his face. He does not like it when he is laughed at…there's a reason so few people do it.

14. Stutter, Cough, show signs of hesitancy. This may anger him to no end that you don't like him like he likes you

13. Go into hysterics over the fact that you are liked by a super villain.

12. Go into hysterics because you probably have to marry this super-villain, and have no say in the matter.

11. Blatantly refuse. He will not like being rejected. Not at all

10. Use one of those "Just say no!" techniques they make you learn in school.

9. Say you are already married.

8. Lie that you are already married.

7. Tell him you'll think about it, and then elope with the guy you would like to marry. He just might kill the husband, and then force you to marry him.

6. Back away in fright. He may enjoy watching you have a synaptic-breakdown. This gives him a hold on you.

5. Show no fear. He may want to make you fear him…in any way possible.

4. Pass out.

3. Curse him off.

2. Sneeze on him. No one likes to be sneezed on

And the number one thing you shouldn't do when Voldemort asks you to marry him is: Say "Yes, of course, Voldie dah-ling. When is the wedding?"

"Who wrote this? This is a good list, in a bad way. LUCIUS! TAKE THIS, REPLICATE IT, POST IT EVERYWHERE!"

"Yes, my lord."

"Yup. He cracked before Valentine's Day. Fork over the money Rudolphus."

If you liked it (or hated it) Tell me by clicking that little button in the left hand corner of the screen. If you do review, and enjoy this story (already taken down twice, and I FIXED it the second time. . ) please please PLEASE review. I miss getting them. 


	2. The Maid of Malfoy

A/N Alright, it's a weird one. 6th book is out, everyone do a happy dance! Now stop, because half the stuff on this list was pre-arrested. Language, don't like cursing, don't read the parenthesis (shitshitshitshitshit) And don't even think of telling me lists are against the rules. A) I'm not changing my style for anything b) real writers don't have that kind of junk c) etc. is NOTa list, nor shall I interpret it as one and D) a list is just as much effort in the way of writing as a story. If you've tried it, you'd know, and have a lot more consideration for people who at least try to keep in canon, hold characters, etc.

The Malfoy's maid was wandering around, cleaning up, etc. Now with Master Malfoy at school (the scum of a ne…never mind), there wasn't that much to do. Until she found the scrap of paper on the floor…

Wh (smudge) not to do (smudge) asked tobeMalfoy's maid

25. Agree, then get in that ugly little costume and run around beating him with the feather duster.

24. Tell him to take his feather duster and shove it! (Wait, he might enjoy that...)

23. Stare

22. Scream

21. Refuse

20. RUN!

19. After refusing, stay away from home and keep an eye out for glowing green things above your house

18. Say, "Gee, I already promised Snape I'd be his"

17. Giggle like an airhead and then scream NO!

16. Agree, and then break everything of value

15. Say "What happened to your house-elf? Oh, wait; you freed him, didn't you?"

14. Speaking of House-Elves, you won't behead me, will you?

13. Ask how much you'll get paid.

12. When you hear the number, scoff "That's insultingly low"

11. Put video cameras around the house to record every stupid and embarrassing thing he does

10. Always clean his room when he's asleep. Make sure you make the maximum amount of noise.

9. Spit in his food.

8. If he catches you, say it was for flavor

7. Snicker when you catch Voldemort having a secret meeting in Lucius bedroom with all the death eaters.

6. Report the incident to the Order.

5. Spill a dangerously large amount of superglue in his favorite chair, then refuse to help him get the cushion off of his butt

4. Give him an innocuous glance and blame it on Draco.

3. Plant some of Lord Voldemort's old school things in Draco's room, and laugh loudly as Draco gets shouted at for tampering with things not meant to be tampered with

2. Lock him outside and call all the Lucius/Snape shippers.

1. Put on the outfit, then, at his fanciest dinner party, flash the guests, and then say "Lucius told me to!"

The next dinner party could be quite fun…the maid began to day dream, when she was woken up out of her reverie, rather rudely, by Mr. Malfoy yelling at her. She quit on the spot, but was also reoffered the job with a nice pay raise (she knew a lot of things-and she was good at her job). Suddenly, that list was quite a possibility.

Now guys here's the deal. A lot of the chapters will be like this, but I want to know if you guys want a person (submit ideas, PLEASE!) want an old chappie, a story chappie, etc. It's up to you all! Please, don't shirk in your role as a reviewer. Get out what you put in. Or this falls into the archives.


	3. Hermione

Chapter two: 25 Things not to do when Hermione Granger asks you to marry him

Special Thanks to my reviewers and Chicca, who helped me write this chappie!

I'm sorry guys, I seem to have lost you all when they deleted this. VV Well, they'll come still. I miss you all

Now on with this…uh…fic coughmonstrositycough.

Hermione: Oh look! An owl for me! It had best not be from Malfoy asking me out again! It's not…

So she began to read.

25 things not to do when Hermione Granger asks you to marry her

25. Call her a bookworm, then run away

24. In revenge, play ding dong ditch, at midnight...disrupt her studying...

23. Ask about Ron instead "Say, I thought you liked Ron...oh, he'll be overjoyed at the news! Let me just skip along and tell him."

22. Collapse into hysterical laughter at the mere thought of marrying a nerd (no offense to Hermione lovers, I'm one myself...but let's face reality...she's a nerd.)

21. Say "I wouldn't marry anyone with as bad taste in animals as youcoughcrookshankscough"

20. Say "You obviously don't have xenophobia…a fear of strangers because you don't even know my name!"

19. Ask her where she got a wig that ugly. Then state you don't want to marry anyone that insecure about their baldness.

18. Say something about how hanging around Harry Potter affected her in a negative way

17. State everything you know about her personal life…after all who wants to marry a stalker?

16. On the other hand, call her a stalker, just to tick her off.

15. Hand her a brush and a lot of conditioner as your answer.

14. Ask her if that's how she was going to wear her hair at the wedding.

13. Ask her a bunch of really stupid questions to get off the topic, like: If you're so smart, Then answer this: If Teflon doesn't stick to anything, how does Teflon stick to the pan?

12. Hex her. She is the best witch of our generation…does this sound like a good idea?

11. Tell her "Go marry Ron, or Snape, but don't ask me again!"

10. Laugh at the disgusted look on her face when you tell her this.

9. Ask her if it's from Kay's, because "every kiss begins with Kay"

8. Don't kiss her if it's not.

7. Throw Crookshanks out the window as revenge, and then laugh at the look on her face.

6. Back away slowly.

5. Watch her have a synaptic breakdown when you say no, and don't comfort her

4. Comfort her by saying, oh, I'm sure Ron will say yes, why don't you go ask him?

3. Spit on her, after all, who likes to be spit on?

2. Go up to Ron and go "Hermione likes me more, Hermione likes me more"

And the number 1 thing not to do when Hermione asks you to marry her: "Oh Hermy, I didn't know you cared" in the most condescending voice you have.

Hermione: This is so wrong. I will kill whoever wrote this with the most painful curse I know. And I know a lot…

Author: Now how 'bout Snape and his detentions?


	4. Snape and Detention

I hereby dedicate this particular chapter to Taurus 07. Thankies for all the ideas girl.

Meh, I don't come up with anything, you get the picture. In fact, I don't even own the idea, Taurus gave me it. (But the reasons are all mine. All mine!)

On with the show.

Snape was (grumpily) going about cleaning what mess the 1st years had left, when he noticed a piece of parchment on the ground (A/N well, I am sure by now, the /readers/ know where this is going.) Reading the title, he frowned.

25 things not to do when Snape gives you detention

What the hell was this? Some kind of 7th year help to the first years? Pish, the ideas, and gall these days. Nonetheless, his curiosity intrigued, he started to read

25. Tell him you will only do it after he washes his hair, the slimeball. Remember all those things he could make you do with a potion…

"Damn right" he thought,

24. Hand him shampoo to emphasize this "request"

23. Refuse blatently.

22. Ask him how "Old Voldie" is doing

21. Cower under your desk. Come on people think THIS WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE HIM.

20. When you get there, proceed to snog him with those fangirlish instincts. OH, Please, God knows what he would do!

19. Invite all your friends to watch you snog him.

18. In revenge, that lunch yell "SNAPE IS A DEATH EATER!"

17. Get up and start singing a random Hillary Duff song to get back at him (sorry to all you fans)

16. Go off in a huff muttering about how werewolves just don't kill enough people anymore.

15. Say "Prejudiced prick, just cause I ain't in Slytherin, and have anything resemblin okays grammer skill."

14. Blatantly refuse to go.

13. When he sends you to McGonagall, refuse blatantly some more

12. Ask if you can pet fluffy bunnies for detention.

11. When he gives you boiling sloth brains, refuse to even touch them.

10. While in detention ask for some Quidditch tips for Harry

9. Comment on how his detentions are so easy.

8. Comment on how he has no imagination when it comes to detention, and that you always have the same thing.

7. Challenge him to a potions making contest. Whose ever's is better gets to force the other into doing one thing. Come on People, he's the figgin Potions master!

6. Sing James' version of Just You Wait Henry Higgins (Shameless promotion of another one of my fics)

5. Ask him casually when the next meeting of the Order of the Phoenix is, in front of the Slytherins.

4. Give him a recording of your sister singing. (Mine stinks!)

3. Ask him to call Potter Potty! (I dunno. I am running out of ideas)

2. Ask him what his astrology sign is.

And the number 1 thing not to do? List all the ways he's similar to the Oogie Boogie Man (A/N From the Nightmare Before Christmas. If you haven't seen it, go now!)

What the heck was this? Although, he had to admit, it would be a bad idea to do any of these things. And with that, he proceeded to plot /this/ person's detention, for as soon as he found out who it was.

Now, review!


	5. Poor Ron

I should like to dedicate this chapter to Ayene. She wanted this chapter, and lent a lot of ideas to the making.

Disclaimer: Not Mine. Go figure.

"Hey Ron, what's that?" Hermione pointed to the scrap of paper on the ground.

"I dunno." Answered Ron. He picked it up. "Looks like some kind of list."

"It had better not be anything like mine."

"Oh, so that's why there was nothing in one piece after you read that piece of parchment you found yesterday."

Hermione holds back murdering Ron for the sake of reading the list. "Just read it."

So Ron did. The list went as follows:

25. Say that the red hair/freckle/pale skin combo clashes with your style  
24. Make a comment on how there are so many weasleys, and maybe mom was a hyper reproductive rabbit.  
23. Comment on his bad taste in animals, hence, the pathetic rat, Pig.  
22. Ask how his rat turned out to be a homicidal maniac, and a pathetic one at that  
21. Throw a spider in his face  
20. Give him one of those cheap plastic rings that have spiders on them, you know, the ones that are 3 tickets at Chuck-e-cheese  
19. Ask him where he intends to get the money for the ring

18. Ask him how you will pay for wedding

17. Start singing "I feel pretty"  
16. Mention you thought it would work better with Hermy

15. And that you thought they were dating  
14. Announce his proposal to the world and make him turn red

13. Then comment on his embarrassment and make him even redder  
12. When he blushes, ask him if he really gets sunburn that quickly  
11. Appear extremely fascinated with a random object and appear not to be listening  
10. Have headphones on and when he's done, take them off and ask if he'd said anything important  
9. Go ask Harry out to make him jealous. He's always jealous of Harry, and now this.  
8. Ask him if the honeymoon would have to be at his house because anything else would be too costly  
7. Ask him if he could sweep you off your feet with his extreme broom flying skills  
6. Ask him if he plans on buying new robes for the wedding  
5. Tell him no way if it means living in a house he built with his own magic  
4. Mention that you've never been on a date.  
3. Mention his lack of girlfriends  
2. Ask about whatever happened to Fluer  
And the number one thing not to do when Ronald Weasly asks you to marry him: Ask "if the wedding can be by Aragog's lair"

Ron stared at the paper in horror. "Who could be that cruel! Aragog's lair…" He shudders.

Hermione: What is with this person and me and you going out? I mean, they are obsessed with it.

Ron: still shuddering at the thought of Aragog's Lair

Hermione: What is Aragog's lair anyway.

Ron: You know acromantulas, right?

Hermione: Yes, they are giant spiders…

Ron: Exactly, and Aragog's the biggest, living in the Forbidden Forest.

Hermione: Ew. Sick mind. That person has a really sick mind.

R&R!


	6. We must pick on Harry now

Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating his breakfast, when a rather fat envelope fell onto his kippers. Unsuspecting, he opened it. Hermione glanced over at it, did a double take, and whispered "Harry, don't read it!"

"Why Hermione, it can't be THAT bad."

"Fine, but when you go into shock, I'm not helping." With that she ignored him.

25 things not to do when facing off Voldemort for the fate of the world.

25. Try to kill him with your ugliness. If looks could kill, Hogwarts would be exterminated.

24. Do a Riverdance.

23. Poke him and go "Die Moldy Voldie!"

22. Tell him he would look really good in a man-skirt.

21. Give Voldemort a good look, then go into hysterics.

20. Ask him if the rumor is true: DOES the Dark Side really have donuts?

: 19. Start advertising the benefits of Voldemort going over to the side of the Order.

18. Slap him on the butt.

17. Ask him what you were doing again.

16. Ask if you can have one value ten paper expenditure.

15. Tell him you'll pay him if he lies down and pretends to be dead.

14. Ask if he's color-blind. Black is SO last season.

13. Ask if that's a grey hair. AND LOOK! ANOTHER!

12. Ask him exactly WHY he wanted to have the power to read minds.

11. Think really perverted thoughts and go "READ MY MIND VOLDIE!"

10. See if he'll play Red-rover.

9. Say, "Oh, can we make the pretty gold light again?"

8. Ask him if he wants a make-over. They're holding auditions for Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Guy

7. Start singing "I feel Pretty" Then, ask Voldie to. When he does, invite all the Death Eaters to come listen.

6. Tell him you know what, and you're going to tell you-know-who if he doesn't meet your demands.

5. Whisper conspiritorily "I know what you did last summer. Wormtail was involved."

4. Tell him he's pretty.

3. Hand him Lockhart's bright pink robes and tell him how they compliment his complexion.

2. Ask him if he owns a unicorn with fluffy clouds on it's butt.

1. Say "My mom and dad, yeah, they go WAY back with your parents, got to know em real well when they died. Your parents know you've been a very NAUGHTY BOY!"

Harry was quite pale by the end of the list, but there was another piece of parchment in the envelope, and hopefully it was an apology.

Instead, a clipping of parchment fluttered out, reading "Could you proofread this for me? Thanks. I want to produce it someday."

Narrator: Today, we find ourselves in Las Vegas. (GO figure…) Tonight, we follow the ever conniving James attempting to get Lily to marry him, or at least go out on a date, and he has finally cooked up a plan other than asking her while she's sober…

Setting: James and Lily are at the bar. James being used to alcohol (and the bad influence of Sirius coughcough), can obviously down more than Lily, without getting drunk.

James: Yes bartender, another round of shots please

Lily: Who knew conshuming large amountsh of alcohol could be sho fun? WHEEE! twirls on bar seat Hey ish that Peter, and a GIANT MOUSE? runs and hides in boys bathroom

James: Ugh. This is a minor setback. gets Lily from unfortunately crowded men's bathroom

Lily: Hey, Jamesh, do you have what they had?

James: Lily, be quiet. I wanna spy on Peter!

Both: spy on Peter

Peter: Minnie, have another shot why don't you. forces it down Minnie's throat"

Giant Mouse a.k.a Minnie: chokes Alright. Peter I will marry you. Just keep away from me.

Peter: spazz attack

Lily and James: o.0

James: Okay…Lily, will you marry me?

Lily: Yesh. I will Jamesh my love!

James: crows Then let's get MARRIED!

Lily: Okay.

Narrator: The next morning, Lily wakes up with a hangover and with a wedding ring on her finger…

Lily: Oh, not good. runs to bathroom and proceeds to throw up. What is going on James?

James: Uh. Nothing?

Lily: stern stare

James: Alright, alright. Just promise you won't hurt me!

Lily: No.

James: Alright. Igotyoudrunkandinthatstateyoumarriedme.

Lily: Great just great. I have to live with an arrogant jerk. Oh, and just a guess. SIRIUS HELPED COME UP WITH THIS!

James: Maybe…

Lily: James, you lucked out. I was raised never to kill my husband. I have no qualms about killing his BEST FRIEND!

Fin.

There was a thunk. Harry had passed out from shock. A cackle broke out among the Slytherins. Hermione tutted.

"I told you so."

FIN!

R&R por favor!


	7. And keep picking on him

A/N Sorry it's been such a long time folks. Let's see if we can't hit 100 reviews this time round?

Harry was laying on his hospital bed in Saint Mungo's talking to the shrink besides his bed, when another nurse walked in and gave Harry a letter. She whispered to the shrink, "You might want to read this aloud, we've been doing that you know." The shrink nodded. And started to read to Harry.

What not to do when the Boy Who Lived tries to save you.

25. When he comes swooping down on his Hippogriff thing, yell at him "I CAN DO THIS YOU-OVERLY-OBSSESED-WITH-SAVING-THE-WORLD LOSER!"

24. Say something about how he should leave with you with "Voldie-woldie" because he's ever so much cooler

23. Stick a piece of parchment in his hands that says Shouldn't you be doing your homework?

22. Scold him, saying "tsk, tsk, what would Hermione think?"

21. Poke him with your wand, then laugh hysterically when he gives you this odd look.

20. When you are dangling high in the air and he is the only thing keeping you from falling to your death, tickle him under the arm

19. Hold Voldemort out in front of you and say "Take him! BUT DON'T TAKE ME! PLEASE!"

18. Throw something at him and run away screaming.

17. Dance around going "HARRY LIKES ME BEST! HARRYLIKES ME BEST!"

16. Kneel at his feet, kiss his shoes, and construct an alter for worshipping him.

15. Write a book about his holiness, and insist that h eis God and you are his messenger

14. Go, "Look, I've got the situation under control," right before you are blasted with one spell or another

13. Run up to him screaming "Oh, Harry, I knew you'd come for me!" and kiss him

12.Yell AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STALKER! HE'S COME TO GET ME! RAPE! OH SAVE ME VOLDEMORT!

11. Spray him with Mace. (Pepper Spray)

10. As soon as he dismounts from his hippogriff, steal it and fly away without him

9. Go "Like, Oh. My. God. IT'S HARRY POTTER!" And go all rabid fangirlish on him.

8. When he tries to help you get away, get all "Miss Congeniality" on him (stomach, instep, nose, groin)

7. While he's flying, poke through his bags, steal his "journal" and snicker at all the private thoughts in there.

6. When flying over treacherous waters hex his broom and watch him fall, laughing to yourself

5. Go "Hey look, a bird!" When he looks, push him off and take control of the 'get away vehicle'

4. Steal his wand and demand a ransom

3. Ask him to marry you on the spot.

2. Have an emotional breakdown and cling to him, begging him to not let Voldemort get you (thus hindering his walking and distracting him)

She never got to finish, because Harry had begun screaming and whimpering about how they'd never get him, NEVER!

Please review, PLEASE! I'm SO close to getting 100. It would make me very happy!


	8. Get the Rat!

A/N: Thank You, first and foremost, to my reviewers. I love you all so much. New update for all! Dedication to the Werewolf Mage for the ideas. I hope you love this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Peter was groveling at his Master's feet, as usual. An owl, obviously disdainful, clawed his head after dropping off his message. Commanded by his master, he started reading the letter out loud.

25 ways to kill Peter Pettigrew. Like all in the Order (and most of the Death Eaters) want to.

25. Fry him alive. Then pour castor oil on him.

24. Sic a pack of rabid hippogriffs on him

23. Dangle him off the astronomy tower for three hours. Then cut him loose

22. Send off anonymous tips to Voldemort saying Peter's been stealing his wallet for years.

21. Show him his tombstone, then kill him with it.beat him to death

20. Set him loose in the middle of the Forbidden Forest and make him find his own way out

19. Whisper to the centaurs that he's there.

18. Give him to Sirius

17. Bottle him up (as a rat) Then, let him loose in a prominent restraunt and laugh as the cook bashes him with a frying pan

16. Feed him to Aragog

15. When Aragog refuses him because he's so disgusting, throw Peter into the center of the giant lake.

14. Watch as the Giant Squid drowns him

13. Point and laugh as Snape saves him, only to torture him.

12. Tell him all the cool people set themselves on fire.

11. Tell him even if he's not stupid enough too, you will.

10. Set him on fire.

9. Make him try out for Muggle football. We all know he'd never last...

8. Skin him as a rat and make him a muggle American football.

7. set him loose in the Ministry of Magic

6. Give him to the government for "expirements" involving radiation and it's direct effects on humans.

5. Transfigure him into a House Elf, behead him, and place his head on the wall

4. Transfigure him into a female house-elf and give it to Kreacher as a peace-offering.

3. Make him perpetually fall down the up escalator.

2. Send him on a quest to destroy Voldemort to pay back Harry for saving his life.

1. Feed him to Crookshanks.

Peter was fair shook up at the end, but there was a P.S. at the bottom.

P.S. Since you are such a pathetic little bastard, and I wish I could kill you, you get a bonus! Hang him and then, right before he dies, pull out his guts like they did in Tudor times.

Two months later:

The thought that someone wanted to kill him in so many ways had made Peter a little bit paranoid, often only responding to his master. Ah, well, so the author of the list would have to wait. They could do that.

A/N: So, who is this mystery list leaver? Any ideas? Review and tell me how much you liked or hated this chapter, but no flames, please?


	9. Not even your OC's are safe

A/N First off, thank Blooper Queen for even getting an update. I'm lazy and have huge testing going on this week, but she talked me into it. Secondly, dedications to her for helping, yada yada. To my reviewers: COOKIES FOR ALL! Thirdly, ideas are always welcome, and fourthly, Michael, I know I need help, but I'm quirple, what can I say? All us quirple kids need help. That's why we have a special class. : D Fifthly, I'd like to say, I'm taking ideas from me and Blooper Queens Story Marauders Generation 2, so please read and review it. :D Makes the plot bunnies happy you know.

Gen, or Professor Black as she was known at Hogwarts, was sitting at her desk grading the first year's papers. Alex and Matt had been watching her very closely lately, and in the margins of their papers, they always asked questions on how she was. She sighed, thinking about how she wished she could have seen Sirius with the hot coffee on him stunned at the news. Because of his immaturity, she just wished she could tease him about it. Thinking about teasing him, a list came sliding in from under the door, entitled:

25 things not to do when Sirius Black asks you out on a date

'This could be entertaining' she thought, and began to read.

25. Say, sorry Hun, but I already got a date with Sevvy.

24. Say, well, gee, Sirius, am I tonight's lucky pick?

23. Look for an escape hole. When you see it, dive into it and hide.

22. Start giggling insanely. When he asks whats wrong, point, laugh, and run off.

21. Poke him, hard, While he rubs where you poked him, run away.

20. Start bringing up past experiences, like the time he got you drunk at Mardi Gras

19. Tilt your head and give him an inquisitive look.

18. Say, I know not of this dating of which you speak

17. Laugh hysterically as he tries to explain it to you

16. Go on and on about Remus...

15. List all the things you hate about it, uh, him.

14. Cram this list down his throat

13. Go "Shut up, you dog."

12. Make barking sounds at him

11. Flip the bird (jk, jk) Throw eggs at him

10. Use the old excuse of having to wash your hair, one folicle at the time

9. Skip merrily around going "I got asked out by Sirius Black and am still going to say NO!"

8. Sigh and say, why me? WHY ME! then go into hysterical sobs.

7. Auction off the date to his rabid fanclub, then use the money to prank him into oblivion.

6. Ask him what time it is, over and over and over until he goes nuts

5. Say yes, then when he comes to pick you up ask "What the Hell you doing here?"

4. Say, oh, sure. After my date with Peter.

3. Then go, "Oh, wait, sorry, my date with James is after Peter's."

2. Add, "My date with Peter's after my date with Sevvy-Poo."

And the number one thing? Say, "Damn, my meeting with the Death Eaters is that night. Shall we reschedule?"

By the time she was finished, Gen was rolling on the floor, laughing her ass of, tearing from laughing so hard. She would have to find someway to employ this list the next time her husband asked her out.

Gen is an OC that I borrowed from Blooper Queen, who is married to Sirius in G2, for more information, go to her author page and read her stories.

R&R, and drop a couple ideas.


	10. PERCY IS A GIANT GIT

Disclaimer: FINE! I GIVE IN! IT'S MINE ALL MINE! Happy? Now you can sue me J.K. :Hides from lawyers: I don't own it!

A/N: I know I promised a Draco chapter, but I got very few reviews last chapter, and even fewer ideas. I need ideas for a chappie to get off the ground.

Percy Weasly was sitting at his desk, working, what else, when his owl, Hermes, came swooping into his office, with a piece of parchment tied to his leg. Percy figured it was some important letter, because he was, after all, Junior Assistant to the Minister. He unrolled it, only to be faced with an infamous list.

25 things not to do in a conversation with Percy Weasly

25. Call him Weatherby. That always pisses him off.

24. Ask him why he is the first Jr. Minister ever? Was he so stupid as to not be suspicious?

23. Ask him why he doesn't just get rid of those glasses and buy a new pair, because he is getting paid well, right? After all, he /is/ Jr. Assistant to the Minister.

22. Get him drunk and make him sing karaoke.

21. Insult his bosses (both) Say how one's an incompetent and the other had a raving lunatic for a son.

20. Say, "If you're SO smart, how come you're only JUNIOR Minister guy?"

19. Ask "Is this what all this studying got you? A loser job for a loser guy?"

18. Ask him what exactly he did with that dung sample...

17. Ask, Hey, aren't you the Weasly that ran away from home, and now if you step back in that house, they're going to kill you, because you're so annoying? And watch out for any frying pans!

16. Ask if he always quotes his bosses achievements, because he has none.

15. Force him to join S.P.E.W.

14. 14. Give him loads of paperwork smile sweetly and say "I know how much you love paperwork so I brought you some for your birthday." When he mentions it's not his birthday, glare at him and ask "So?"

13. Ask him why he's got to be such a suck up

12. Ask him who was the better boss: Insane Crouch or Dumbass Fudge

11. Poke him with your wand, then when he glares at you ask "What?"

10. Ask him if they modeled the really ugly mannequins in the Ministry after him, including their wardrobe.

9. Trick him into entering a "Catch the Greased Pig" contest.

8. Ask he needs someone to operate the computers. When he asks what they are, give him a funny look, and then ask "What, do you still use quills or something?"

7. Laugh when he says yes.

6. "Accidentally" Drop his inkwell on the rug in his office. When it all comes out, go "Oooooh. Look Percy! Pretty colors!"

5. Challenge him to a burping contest.

4. When he says no, prod him about not being man enough.

3. Then laugh hysterically at him when he loses.

2. Put him in a dragon costume and give him to Hagrid. When you give him to Hagrid, go "Hey, Hagrid, turns out the Ministry is breeding dragons as well! This is a particularly rare one called idiotus toius ministrius. It's a new breed."

And the number one thing not to do in a conversation with Percy is: Ask if he's ever been skinny dipping. And when he asks "What's that?" point and laugh hysterically

Percy stared at the paper, fuming. No way was this legal! He'd bring this to the Minister's attention, make no mistake! After he finished his paperwork that is…

Now, guys, please, R&R with your suggestions for a Draco or Fudge Chapter! I need encouragement!


	11. Umbridge and her stupid pink sweaters

Disclaimer: What don't you get about this? I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER!

I'll do reviewer responses at the bottom. But this author would personally like to thank Henrietta-black, the werewolves wand, BabyXtreame, and Ben's Little Mickey, for suggesting things for this chapter, and I liked them all, but came up dry for things for those lists, but BlooperQueen supplied this idea, and we got the most for it, so we stuck with it. I love you all for suggesting things though.

Umbridge was sitting in her bed at St. Mungo's, when a nurse, not her usual one, not Nancy, must be an apprentice, came in, carrying a letter. Umbridge never got mail. She never got visitors, except from Cornelius. So this was a special occasion. She opened the letter to a list.

25 things not to do in detention with Umbridge.

25. When your hand starts to bleed from that satanic quill scream "AHHHHHHHHHH! I'M BLEEDING! I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!"

24. Say "Gee, Professor, aren't you afraid I'll suck your blood?" and lick your lips

23. Say, I'm sure the forest is a fun place for detention...

22. Tell her where she can shove her disgusting kitten plates

21. And ask where she got such a...tastefull sweater. Maybe cupids like it.

20. Ask her how exactly a reigning Ministry offical got a quill that's obviously full of Dark Magic

19. Ask her how she ever even GOT a job at the Ministry

18. Ask her why she doesn't try a change in color every once and a while

17. Ask her why she looks like such a toad? Was her mom a frog or something?

16. Call her a half-breed

15. Then mention all those laws she put into effect concerning half-breeds.

14. Ask her what exactly she has against werewolves? They need love, too, ya know.

13. Instead of writing what you're supposed to, write "UMBRIDGE IS A TOAD!" Then say it's a tattoo whenever someone asks about it.

12. Threaten her with the centaurs

11. Ask her if she, in any way, shape, or form, is related to the Pillsbury Dough Boy

10. Ask her if she can demonstrate with the quill, because you don't quite understand the directions.

9. Call her a female Michael Jackson. I mean, we never heard of her giving GIRLS detention

8. Ask her what happens when you run out of blood. Can you possibly borrow hers?

7. Ask her how exactly did she get her job at the Ministry. Is there something going on the tabloids don't know about?

6. Tell her Slimfast has done wonders before...

5. Ask her what happened to her wand. It can't have been made THAT short. Both of them…

4. Walk in wearing an identical sweater to hers. Then comment on how it doesn't look much better on her.

3. Tell her she's got a present waiting for her in the Forbidden Forest

2. Warn her to not give detention to the firsties, they'll turn her in, or talk her ear off, whichever comes first.

1. Tell her YOU KNOW she's a Death Eater, then, sneak into her bedroom while she's asleep and tattoo the Dark Mark on her arm. Then turn her over to Mad-Eye.

Umbridge stared at the list for a second. Then she burst out wailing. The "nurse" "comforted" her, but inside, she was cackling.

TO: My lovely Reviewers

From: The Insane Girl who Calls Herself an Author.

Subject: Your Reviews./I need an idea for a Draco list.

I love them all. You make me feel wonderous.

Henrietta-black-Yes, I will use your idea, got any more? If you have any. I'm sorry, but I couldn't come up with a lot of ideas for your suggestion, but, if I ever have a brain surge, picking on Umbridge is fun, if you get my drift.

Sever-case-of-insanity- You mean Grawp? What about him? I'm sorry, but anything specific? You can't do to much with him because he doesn't really understand you yet.

Prophet Song-You really want that Draco chapter, huh? Anything specific in mind? It doesn't have to be marriage.

The werewolves wand-Thanks for suggesting something, I'm sorry I couldn't use it. Any ideas for a Draco one? I'm afraid Prophet Song may just attack me if I don't write it soon…

BabyXtreme-Thanks for the suggestion, sorry I didn't use it. 

Dannys-Ghostly-Girl- o.0 someone's enjoying this a little too much…

Blooper-Queen-Thanks for reviewing! And the idea…


	12. Malfoy!

A/N okay guys, if it seems like this is an angry fic, it is. I am about ready to kill AOL, because my friend has it, and she had one of my lists, because I was working on one with her, and THEY BLOODY DELETED IT! hyperventilates

Right, right, dedication: I would love to dedicate this chapter to Dannys-Ghostly-Girl. Thanks for all the ideas!

Draco was sitting back in his chair, lounging in Herbology, when a paper crane hit him in the back of the head.

And the author watched him, and thought, "Now who could have sent that?" She watched him open the paper, and laughed to herself at the stunned look on his face as he read the paper.

25 things not to do in a small enclosed space with Draco Malfoy (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER MALFOY, YOU PERV!)

25. Pound on the door and begin SCREAMING bloody murder about how you are stuck in a closet with a pompous ass who is biased in an extreme way.

24. Take it as an opportunity to kill the little :mutters incohersivly:

23. When someone walks past and hears him expiring, and asks what happened, and who's in there yell. "NOTHING!"

22. Scream at him.

21. Ask him "Since you're so good at magic, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"

20. When he asks you why you don't do it, reply "Because I'm too lazy."

19. Get as far away from him as possible, in the far corner preferably.

18. Get as close as you can and blow a raspberry in his face.

17. When he tries to make a move on you, give him a face-five.

16. Ask how much hair gel he puts in his hair.

15. When he tells you, smile evilly, then pull out a match.

14. Laugh maniacally when you see the look on his face as you bring the match uncomfortably close to his highly flammable hair.

13. Set his hair on fire then go "Hey look, a torch!"

12. Step on his toes and apologize. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU APOLOGIZE?

11. Attempt to mug him and see how many Galleons are in his pockets

10. Knock him on the head with a broom, assuming you're in a broom closet.

9. Ask him how Voldemort is, and if the rumours are true, and the Dark DOES have doughnuts.

8. Start debating whether or not Mudbloods should be allowed in the school. You'd be there forever, because /I/ know that Draco is a conniving little /thing/ and will never change. If he does, I shall be terribly disappointed.

7. Follow proper courtroom procedures while debating, he'll a) have no clue what you're doing, and b) will think you're a loony. And while /I/ know you're a loony, and /YOU/ know you're a loony, he doesn't.

6. Poke him incessantly with your wand. (The wood one, you pervert.)

5. When he asks you to stop, give him this innocent look, and go, "Stop what? I wasn't doing anything, you must be insane."

4. Steal his hairspray from his back pocket, then bewitch it, and make him jump for it.

3. Imagine Draco without his hairspray, then run around screaming about mental pictures.

2. Threaten to tell the whole school about his extreme need for hairspray/gel.

Number one thing? Run around the tiny space screaming "Save me Draky-poo! SAVE ME!"

"Mr. Malfoy? MR. MALFOY!" Professor Sprout yelled his name in his ear, and he came out of his little reverie. "What is it on that paper that you can not even pay attention, hm?" With that, she took the paper and read it out loud, much to the embarrassment of Draco.

Now, let's all laugh at Draco, and review while doing so! Tally-ho! Until next time! MWHAHAHAHAHA!


	13. KREEEEEEEEEEEEEEACHER!

A/N I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE you! hands out cookies

Harry was sitting in History of Magic, a most boring class, when Hedwig came swooping in. _Well, I don't know if Kreacher can read, so I sent you this. Forward it to him if it pleases you._

25 things not to do when you inherit Sirius Black's old house-elf

25. Immediatly decapitate him and stick his head on top of Mrs. Black

24. Comment on the improvement

23: Make him do mundane tasks over and over again, until he goes insane. Well, even more insane than he is now

22. Attack him with a Vaccuum cleaner without explaining what it is

21. Wet yourself laughing at how terrified he is

20: Dress him up like Santa and act out Kidnap the Sandy Claws, except it's kidnap the Kreacher Claus (Kidnap the Kreacher Claws, beat him with a stick...)

19. Say as many mean things about the Black family as you can. Say them very loudly, while burning the family crest

18: Rapair the burnt crest and do it again!

17. Comment on how cold it is and turn up the furnace while he's in his little...house thing

16: Tell him that loincloths are out of style, then, give him a spangly spandex outfit

15. Run around the house singing "This is the song that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends, some people, started singing it not knowing what it was, and then they kept on singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…"

14: Set him on fire, then chase him around the house with a fire extinguisher

13. Accidentally "break" the fire extinguisher

12. Ask him to make dinner, and then order out

11: Sell him into slavery

10. Push him off the roof.

9. When he hits the ground go, "Well done, Kreacher! Now we know that house-elves certainly can't fly!"

8. While we're on the subject of flying, talk him into going bungy-jumping

7. Take him on a merry-go-round till he gets sick.

6. Pay a bunch of little kids to beat him up

5. Offer him up to be captured by wild talking creatures to be sacrificed at a pagan alter.

4. Tell him he needs to get educated and make him watch Sesame Street

3. Put him in the washing machine. Watch as he goes round and round. Lend him a decent sized pair of pants before doing this however

2: Make sure you feed him lots before doing number 3

and #1? Stuff him in a body bag, put him in the freezer, put the dead body in front of the Ministry of Magic and blame the Mob

Harry had to try to contain his laughter, wondering if indeed there was a Wizard Mob before forwarding it to Sirius

glares at Don't even think it

R&R, and you'll get MORE cookies!


	14. Mary Sues hath Come!

Poetry Circle TIME!

Okieday,

I feel like bashing Sues today!

So if you like em,

Go away,

I feel like bashing Sues today!

Author takes one look at this poem, and starts laughing hysterically at inability to write poetry.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to crazyroninchic, for giving me inspiration while I reviewed her story, and letting me use Starr. And besides, I like dedicating chappies. It makes people happy. :D

Disclaimer: Yeah, I'm J.K. Rowling, and my uncles a dancing monkey. (watches uncle dancing and looking like an ape) o.0

A Mary Sue, henceforth known as Starr. is walking down the corridors of Hogwarts, looking so perfect the author wants to puke her lunch up. She laughs. The authors ears bleed from the pureness. Then the author screams in agony as she begins to lecture Harry on how to kill old Moldy Voldie.

Suddenly, the author has a brain splurge. She grabs parchment, and 25 numbers later, the author throws the parchment as an aeroplane, which hits that Mary Sue in the head.

The Mary Sue picks up the letter. The author sticks around to laugh at what the Mary Sue will act like.

25 things not do to around Mary Sues. But you wanna do them anyway, so you do!

25. Tell them how they make you wanna puke. (Throw your hands up, PUKE! Throw your hands up….okay, yeah…)

24. Emphasize this point by throwing up on their perfection.

23. Pull their hair.

22. Tell them that her eye is changing to brown.

21. Make the eye brown.

20. Laugh at them (A/N I know people have this condition, and I think it's cool, but come on, purple and brown? On a Mary Sue? Wouldn't you laugh?) for now having a purple and brown eye.

19. Push her over the moving stairwells hoping she'll fall on one far, far below. Really far. Really, really, really far.

18. Tell her she's a pimple on society's ass and she'll never amount to anything.

17. Tell her she's a fraud. She's not pretty. She'll never save the world, and Draco/Harry/Sirius/whoever only wants her for the assets.

16. Attempt to poison her. As we all know, her damn little fairy will come and bring her back to life with all this bull about how she hasn't completed her task, or some other bullshit excuse.

15. Make a voodoo doll of her, and then stab it viciously with pins.

14. Melt her perfect plastic face. Come on, we all know THAT's fake.

13. Ask just how many plastic surgeries she had.

12. Steal her love interest right from under her nose, like Legolas…

11. Mention in front of her love interest how her affair with Snape is working out?

10. Lock her in the astronomy tower with McGonnagal and Trewlany.

9. Send her to Voldies Lair.

8. Drop "hints" that she's working for the Death Eaters to the Order, then laugh when she's sent to Azkaban.

7. Take her credit card and stick her on a plane to Paris. Far away from you. With no money to shop with. Oh, well. Guess she can't buy anything on her permanent vacation.

6. Give her a love potion. A special love potion that makes her love Voldemort.

5. Put the Sue in something ugly, like the Yahoo avatar clothes!

4. Sacrifice her at a pagan alter. About time too.

3. Lock her in a room with Bean (A/N My little sister.) and her stuffed reindeer.

2. Jinx her off her broomstick while she's playing Quidditch perfectly.

And the number one thing you shouldn't do to Mary Sues, but you want to do anyway, so you do is Drug her, take her to a plastic surgeon and deform her.

After reading the list, Starr burst into tears. "How could anyone hate me that much?" She sobbed.

The author meanwhile, is laughing hysterically. And cackling evilly.

And wanting people to review. Pwease? puppy dog eyes


	15. The Order is Targeted

Co-written by Blooper Queen

Disclaimer: You just don't get it do you?

Author: Ex-auror-

Moody: I'm still an auror, get your facts right!

Author: Alright, for the sake of the rating, keep your pants on!

Moody: reaching up on top of a cabinet, feels parchment What the hell could this be?

25 Things Not to Do When Asked to Join the Order of the Pheonix

25. Say that you already joined the Death Eaters though

24. But Phoenixes are such dumb animals, now a snake that's so much cooler. Too bad it was taken before you formed. blow raspberry

23. Ask Why would I order a pheonix?

22. Yes, I'd like the deep fried Phoenix, with a side order of chili.

21. Where did you come up with such a lousy name?

20. But I break out in rashes whenever I save people!

19. Ask if you have to get a tattoo if you sign.

18. Say a random word like WEWE!

17. Ask Dumbledore why his plots are never as good as Moldy Voldie's.

16. Laugh loudly, then say, "Oh, you're serious?"

15. After that go into the Sirius/Serious thing, you know the one with Sirius is never serious that thing, you know!

14. Ask if that means you can move the HQ, because no way are you setting foot in that shack they call a house.

13. Ask if you HAVE to die defending the stupid Mudbloods

12. Ask if you can trade sides once the Order starts to lose.

11. Sigh, and say "Death Eaters get cool uniforms, what do you have?"

10. Ask if you HAVE to share a room with a convict or a werewolf.

9. Going raving lunatic on them and go "NEVER NEVER!"

8. Look at Dumbledore like he's stupid, and say, "WEWE!"

7. Ask if they validate parking

6. Say, "OK", then proceed to teach the Macarena

5. Fall asleep on them

4. Tell them the Death Eaters will pay you better

3. Ask if they have cable.

2. Say "But the Dark have donuts!"

Look up with an innocent look on your face, scream "WEWE" in their face. Proceed to join the Death Eaters.

Moody: shaking with laughter

Dumbledore: Alastor! What is so funny?

Moody: hands Dumbledore list

NOW! R&R!


	16. If you can laugh about it

Dannys-Ghostly-Girl, a Mary Sue is one of these perfect people that are randomly inserted into a story, who ends up doing something that changes the story somehow, and they make you sick by looking at them, they're so perfect, and everyone in the story loves them. I hope that clears things up! . Oh, and this is kinda what you wanted, except it's when Siri asks you to marry him. Hope that's alright!

Henrietta Black- It's on my list of things to do. Oh, thank you so much for reviewing. WHEEEEEE! hugs you

Retarded monkey- Glad you liked it, if you want something in particular, I will try it.

Blooper Queen-Eh, careful with that dart board there dodges her horrible aim NOT THE AUTHOR! ONLY MARY SUES THERE!

BabyXtreame-I am so glad you find this funny, and I'm open to any suggestions.

AHHHHHHHHHHH! huggles reviewers until they turn blue. I love you guys so much. Keep suggestions coming. AHHHHHHHHH! huggles reviewers again You guys are the best. On my to-do list (That can be added to, mind you): When Draco asks you to marry him, When Death Eaters ask you to join their ranks, Not to Do

When Harry Potter Is Trying To Save You, And something with Dolores Umbridge (any suggestions as to what, tell me.) And, yes, you will find out who this mysterious author is…in chapter 25.

Sirius was sitting about the house moping, as usual. He was bored, again. Everyone was out doing important stuff, and here he was, stuck in this miserable dump.

The mysterious author (a.k.a. you-don't-know-who-yet)Decided he needed some comic relief in his life, and so sent him an owl saying if he would like one of the infamous lists going around, and that they'd be happy to write one up for him.

Sirius was quite content with a break from the monotony, and so wrote back saying, Sure, he wanted to know what the fuss was all about anyway…

A few moments later, the owl arrived with the list attached to his leg. Sirius opened the letter, wanting to know what it said.

25 things not to do when Sirius Black asks you to marry him

#25. Ask why would I marry a felon? I mean, who wants to be hunted by the law, and unless he knows a priest, gonna be hard to get married...

24. Ask why him, when you can marry a complete and total hottie of a werewolf instead

23. Ask if he plans on getting rid of the house elf first, and if you can cut off its head personally...

22. Tell him what's the point? There'd be no honeymoon.

21. Answer I...I...I...I...I, yes...no...Yes...no...Yes...no...

20. Tell him you'd like to, but, man, you hate that crummy house

19. Give him a plushy of a Mary Sue, and say, marry her instead. It'll work out better. You can kill her, and no one will hunt you down for it...

18. Ask if he picked you out of a hat?

17. Say you're more of a cat person...

16. tell him you'll marry him, as soon as he learns to act his age

15. Ask him why? Why, why, WHY!

14. Recite to him the kings and queens of England since William the Conqueror

13. Say, I don't mind you killed Peter. Its that you missed that bothers me!

12. Tell him you will, as long as he stops focusing on his godson

11. Tell him how much you despise his godson, and how he should let someone else save the world every now and then, and Sirius should talk to him about it.

10. Look at him like he's grown an extra head, then run off, screaming, and dive through the nearest window

9. Shout Oui! Oui! WEWE! collapse laughing

8. Turn him into a frog

7. whisper I got a surprise for you outside lead him out side to rabid fan girls hand him over to said rabid fan girls, then dust your hands off

6. Tell him you saw the Grim and you're going to die soon., so you shouldn't get married When he says it was him, laugh loudly at him.

5. Ask him if he'll murder you in the street too if you say no.

4. Start reciting lines from your favorite movie...

3. say you would love to, but you're allergic to dogs

2. Gasp for breath and ask what he's been rolling in.

And the number one thing? Say: "So you've finally given up on Gen huh? Kinda hurts I'm only second choice." Then stick your tongue out at him.

Siri stared at the paper, then started to chuckle. "No wonder some of them got so mad about this."

And the mysterious author would also like to add that come summer, I will be a CIT at camp, then, go to Europe for three weeks, then I'll got back to being a CIT, then I go to Cape Cod, then come freshman year, I made it to all advanced classes, so I can only update so much after the end of the school year, so I will need a lot of encouragement to keep updating hinthint So R&R please, and let me know what you would think about a Lord of the Rings sequel, should I ever finish this, and any lists you would like. Thank you very much.


	17. Back awaaaaay slowly

Disclaimer: I don't own this, don't you get that by now?

People, anything you want, I shall try to write, but no ones suggested anything…

Firstly, like to thank Blooper Queen for helping me get this show on the road, and secondly, I'd like to thank Taurus 07 for the idea (yes, Taurus, more randomness off one idear) Thirdly, I know most of this would not be possible, but please people /fan FICTION/

Hagrid was picking up after the sixth years/again. / They were such slobs. And here was yet /another/ piece of parchment. This one had writing on it. Maybe he could hold this one for ransom… He, being Hagrid, wanted to know what it said. So he read it.

25 things not to do when faced with Dangerous Magical Creatures (This includes fan girls and Mary Sues)

Disclaimer: I take no liability for anything happening should you attempt anything on this list…

25. Kick it and run away screaming.

24. Say "I saw your mother the other day. She makes a fantastic rug"

23. Pet it. Just think of all the reasons they're called "Dangerous Creatures!"

22. Spank it. Didn't you just read the reasoning in the above answer?

21. Comment on why most of them are crossbreed of some kind, and how it wasn't too successful

20. Poke it with a stick.

19. Ask if it's a vegetarian.

18. Try to feed it broccoli while giving it the lecture on how too much red meat clogs the arteries, and doesn't have as many essential vitamins as veggies do.

17. Tell them to visit the dentist, and get some Listerine while they're at it, because boy does their breath stink!

16. Ask if it ever had any pets, or did it eat them before they left the pet shop?

15. Ask if it's been potty trained. If it is, take it home as a pet.

14. If it says no, take it home and attempt to teach it to use the potty.

13. Say, I know where you can get more tender meat.

12. Take them to the supermarket to prove your point.

11. Sing the Wanta Fanta? Song.

10. Make fun of it because you have opposable thumbs and it doesn't.

9. Teach it to fetch.

8. Sacrifice the person next to you, then run away

7. Give it a bath

6. Hit it with a slingshot.

5. Attempt to fence with it using a twig

4. Give it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

3. Show them this list

2. Attempt all the things on this list.

And the number one thing? Drag it home to Hagrid, because then, most likely, you'll have to care for it in Care of Magical Creatures. (Unless it's a Mary Sue, or a raving fan girl. They go to the psycho ward.)

Hagrid thought to himself that maybe if the list wasn't so stupid, it would be a valuable learning experience. So he gave it to Dumbledore.

Now people, Dumbledore says REVIEW! Pretty pease? I have a cold and it would make me feel better!


	18. Poor Hagid

A/N I feel kind of bad to write this. I mean, I just keep imagining Hagrid crying and it makes me feel soft…I know, GASP! She has a HEART!

Many thanks to Ayane, who helped me get this chapter up, love ya…just not in that way, yeah, okay, let's just sing our song…You drink your fancy ales, you can drink em by the flagon, but the only brew for the brave and true, COMES FROM THE GREEN DRAGON! Yeah, and Tolkein owns that, I think…either that or Merry and Pippin…

Hagrid was sitting, moping over the fact that he still couldn't take care of Buckbeak, when a letter from someone, probably Dumbledore, came whizzing through his window. He opened it, expecting something saying "Come to my office, and we'll talk about Snuffles' pet." Instead, it said:

25 things not to do when Hagrid asks you if you want a teacake.  
25. Poke it. You don't know where it's been  
24. Ask if it _has_ to be another teacake.  
23. When he comes with the platter, apologize, and say, "Sorry, I already ordered tea."  
22. Say, "I hear the Castle has absolutely spiffing tea, AND it has the added bonus of being edible!"  
21. Back away slowly

20. Ask if he makes food with his magic...they're both as bad  
19. Start an advertisement for his horrid teacakes. "Hagrid's Horrible Teacakes! We're willing to pay you to take them away!"  
18. Kiss his nose sympathetically and say "Whatever you say, Haggy dearest!"  
17. Tell him you know about Aragog, and that you'll set him on the world if you have to eat another teacake.  
16. Tell him it was your turn last week, and call a friend over.  
15. Tell him to send some to old Moldy Voldie as a "Celebretory Tea"  
14. Along the same lines, ask "how can Voldie be so scary if his fangs fall out?"  
13. Mine, but...Bring a hammer with you. When he asks what the hell you're doing, say "I am making them semi-edible"  
12. Ask him if inability to cook is a giant thing, or just him.  
11. Ask him why he has a PINK umbrella.  
10. Ask him if he ran out of food, or if Madame Whatsername just ran  
9. Say "Gee, Hagrid, I'm sorry, but when I got your invitation, I filled up at lunch.  
8. Tell him not to quit his day job.  
7. Send him to Home Ec class.  
6. Threaten him with a visit from Ayane  
5. Make him visit with Ayane, where she can eat his cooking  
4. Threaten to get him caught in possesion of Norbert if he makes you eat one more.  
3. Have a staring contest with it. AHA! IT BLINKED!  
2: Call Malfoy (Sr.) over, and have him bring the head of a hypogriff looking quite similar to Buckbeak.  
1. Yell, "RUN AWAY!" Like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Not that any of you know what it is, you wizarding freaks.

Hagrid looked at the paper dumbly, and then started up to the castle to talk to Dumbledore about his cooking.

Awww. Poor Haggy. If you review, he'll feel better!


	19. The Verdict is

The mystery author was being dragged into court for "Harrasment" Well, she is quite prepared for this. When asked to speak, she promptly stood up, and began reading:

25 things not to do at your ministry hearing:

25. Stand up and yell: IT WAS ALL THE PICKLE'S FAULT! IT MADE ME DO IT!

"I'd just like to take a second and say: IT WAS THE PICKLE! And it tasted good!"

24: Take a water gun filled with mustard and shoot it at random people

After this one she pulled out a water gun. Noting the alarmed looks of the jury, she laughed and put it away in a little pocket of cyber space.

23. Spray paint the judges with the letters spelling "Fudge is a LOOOOSER!

"Lime green or hot pink?"

22: Randomly dance the can-can around the room

"No. I'm too dignified for that."

21. If you were bad enough to be escorted by Dementors, constantly bring up how they aren't very nice, and they need to be replaced.

"AND IT'S THE TRUTH!"

20. Also, your cell was very uncomfortable

"So was that!"

19: And the food? Don't get me started.

"I think that Boa Constrictors have better food! At least they know what it is!"

18. Tell a fake story with a confession and at the end go, "Of course, I was lying" Proceed to laugh in their faces

"And then, the pretty unicorn, it communicated that I need to make the writers laugh! SO I DID! NOT! It was all-HER!" She pointed to a random witch in the crowd, who waved.

17: Tell them it wasn't you, it was someone who had taken Polyjuice Potion to frame you

Now she was holding up the evidence of the bottle

16. Remind them of how you are mentally unstable every minute

"And I am, make no mistake. ASK ANYONE! Ask saerwen°, and the Werewolf Mage±, or Lady Elbereth Tealrose², or ANYONE!

15: Everytime someone says something, do a one person wave

14. Ask if they have padded handcuffs, because these are uncomfortable

"Well, do you?"

13: Get really drunk about an hour or so before the hearing

"Sadly, I am a minor. Also, they don't have Alcohol in Azkaban."

12. When they let you off for insanity, ask them if you get a nice, white jacket and a room

made of sponge

"I've always wanted one of them."

11: Tell them you'd rather have Judge Judy sentence you than a bunch of idiots who constantly make false arrests

"And she's weird too…"

10. Tell them that Voldemort has come back. Repeat. Repeat again.

"HE HAS!"

9: Ask them if any of them actually passed law school

"Have you? No? I didn't think so…"

8. Show them your law degree from Kiddie Acadamy.

"Ain't it purdy?"

7: Tell them the voices made you do it!

"Are they disturbing you now?"

6. Poke the middle of your forehead going "AHHH! I JUST KILLED A BRAIN CELL!" Continue doing this, even as they cross-examine you

poke "OH NO! THAT WAS MY LAST ONE!"

5: Say, "Wouldn't you rather be hunting down illegal Animagi than be here?"

"Wouldn't you?"

4. Conviently forget that is could be why you are there

3: Steal someone's wand, then taunt them by dancing around and saying, "I got your magicky stick, whatcha gonna do about it?"

"Well, I'm too lazy to try that…"

2. Stare at the ceiling. When they wave their hand in front of your face go: AHHHH! A COMET!

"Comet's are cool. Did any of you see Comet Shoemaker-Levi 9 when it crashed into Jupiter in '94? No? Shame. I didn't either…too young."

: 1. Sob and cry, then be all chipper, and go, "Mr. Judge, you're my bestest friend, you know that?" Then proudly walk around with him in tow, showing him to every wizard there.

"And this is my BESTEST FRIEND!"

Eventually the judge covered his ears. "ENOUGH! GET HER OUT! INNOCENT! GUILTY! INNOCENT!"

A/N: Many thanks to WWM for the idea and helping. A little unrealistic, but then what is reality?

°Me friend. Read some of her stuff. She writes angst/humor

±Another friend. She writes A LOT. Very good stuff. She's a co-writer on this…

²Hasn't posted anything, buts she's a reliable source. XD


End file.
